T’was the night before xmas all through the town,
and my stomach rumbled with hunger like I just smoked a pound.
Nothing was stirring in our apartment cept our cat,
and I lacked proper nutrition where I lazily sat.
So I jumped forth from my comfy chair,
and had an epiphany in midair.
I would cook a feast that could shatter souls,
Everyone’s taste buds would erupt like an explosives buried in a shallow hole.
I will take requests from family and friends,
and take part in gluttony, the tastiest of the seven sins.
So if you have any ideas please come forward,
because the creation of this blog stemmed from me being *quite* bored.

If you know of any cool recipes let me know!

Please.

Me: I can feel every nose hair inside my head.

Singleton: The world is a big strobe light.

Me: It’s like a super evolved spider bit my face and the venom is slowly dissolving into my brain which is improving ever nerve fiber by fusing an extremely mutated venom and my DNA into a complex hybrid.

Me: Basically I feel like Peter Parker.

Me: but not the little bitch part of him.

Me: The cooler spiderman part.

Singleton: Adam sux cox n dix.

Matt: I’m hungry as a motherfucker

Me: Yeah well my face is turning into Peter Parker and I think I just took sleeping pills 3 times . I may not wake up tomorrow. Fuck.

Me: And I’ve already leveled this guy up.

Me: **hand —> face** /shame.

Matt: The fuck

Me: You didn’t get the memo? Life is really just a fucked up rpg.

Matt: You need to wake up. D:

Me: It’s called the matrix.

Matt: O:

Me: Whoa.

Me: That’s my Keanu Reeves.

Matt: :<

Matt: :3

Me: Whoa.

Me: But it’s more like Whhhhhoooooaaa.

Matt: l=;{D>

Me: Because Keanu Reeves is a pisspoor actor and should probably suck someone’s dick to get better acting classes

Matt: As Long as he’s wearing sunglasses, at least he’ll look okish

Me: Dude. He isn’t really wearing sunglasses because this is all a program!!

Me: Matrix.

Me: Mind Blown.

Me: But not really

Matt: He can wear sunglasses inside too. Hrskeanu

Me: Dude. Muddy Buddies are like happiness and sunshine on my tounge.

<Picture of chex mix Muddy Buddies>

Me: Put this shit in your mouth.

Matt: *drool*

Me: It’s like little taste fairies are doing a beautiful ballet on my tastebuds to a beautiful musical award winning masterpiece.

Matt: And then you rape them.

Me: Angels will weep when this morsel depletes itself and is erased from existence.

Me: Because mark my words, Matthew Painter, they will all be eaten.

Me: Dude. Jews killed Jesus! Did you know that?!

Matt: Holy Fuck! Umvc!!

Me: Strawberries! Covered in chocolate!

<Pictures of all the stuff I covered in chocolate.>

—- About 20 minutes later —-

Me: You would think chocolate covered beef jerky would be delicious but its not.

Top Left: Chocolate Drizzled Pops

Top Right: Chocolate Drizzled Spicy Peanuts.

Bottom Left: Chocolate Dipped Peanutbutter Filled Pretzel Bites.

Bottom Right: Chocolate Dipped Brown Sugar Poptart Bites.

Haters gonna hate.

*Deep Movie Announcer Voice* In a world where children are born without the joys of grilled cheese and families are torn apart by the lack of savory mac n cheese, one man stands alone to thwart the evil reign over these desperate lands. Eat my friends. Eat and be merry.

Texts to Matt, but no responses.

Me: MINUS 50 DKP

Me: SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY!

Me: When I’m feeling blue,

I like to make a treat or two.

Listen to the words I have to say,

or I’ll punch you so hard you’ll turn gay.

I cut up bears of gummy,

to put into my tummy.

But not alone did they go down,

they sat atop a cupcake like a crown.

It was so yummy,

with all the body parts of gummy.

—About 15 minutes later—

Me: Nevermind new plan! Mac and motherfucking cheese

Me: If I pooped in a water bottle and then filled it up with water froze the bottle waited a few days then cut off the plastic bottle, think I can convince someone it’s like a frozen mammoth turd or something legit like that?

So I didn’t make the gummy bear cupcakes, but I want to still and now that I have a ton of time on my hands I probably will make them.

Me: They said I was a fool.

Me: They said it just couldn’t be done.

Me: Who’s the fool now?!

Me: I just made two grilled cheese sandwiches, stacked them on each other and put a scrambled egg with shredded cheese in the middle. Did your mouth just cry a little? Wipe that shit up. I call it the breakfast clusterfu*k.

Billy: Madman, you’re playing with fire…..

Billy: MAN HAS NO RIGHT TO PLAY GOD KEVIN, HEED WHAT YOU ARE DOING

Me: My wings haven’t melted yet and I’m flying pretty close to Athens, friend.

Me: GOD HAS NO RIGHT TO DENY ME WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.

Me: It’s like Wolfgang Puck and Paula Dean fucked, had a child, was then sacrificed to the gods of cuisine, the skys parted and this sandwich floated softly from the heavens into my life.

Me: Fatties everywhere probably had a chill run down their spines when this masterpiece graced our mortal plane.

Billy: Should my dick be as hard as it is right now? It’s a strange sensation to have an erection from the fear of the power your sandwich holds.

Me: It’s a perfectly normal reaction to such a culinary achievement. You’re just experiencing a foodgasm. Enjoy it. It will pass soon.

Directions are pretty self explanatory. 

Ingredients:

• 4 Pieces of bread
• 3 Slices of Cheese (I used 2 and then shredded mild cheddar)
• Butter
• 1 Egg
• Milk
• Salt & Pepper

Prepare 2 grilled cheese sandwiches. I feel like this step shouldn’t need to be explained. Just do it.

Crack egg, break yoke and add 1/4 cup of milk. Scramble egg and while it is still warm, melt cheese in skillet. Season to taste.

Take one sandwich, add egg-cheese combo on top and add remaining sandwich.

Finally, stuff face and enjoy.

Suggestion: Add Bacon. I feel like this is a suggestion not just for this godly creation, but for all things in life.